If you’ve ever found yourself re-reading text messages, replaying conversations in your head, or getting second and third opinions about what happened between you and a partner, you might have been a victim of gaslighting.
The term, which originally appeared in a 1938 play about a husband who convinces his wife she is going insane, now refers to being misled and manipulated for someone else’s gain.
When it comes to romantic relationships it can be especially damaging to your confidence, says Grace Lee, a New York City-based dating coach and founder of A Good First Date.
“Gaslighting is so awful because it really undermines the relationship we have with ourselves,” she says.
You start to question your own judgement and whether you interpreted certain actions correctly.
On top of being emotionally damaging, it’s also “extremely hard to call out,” says Vanessa Kennedy, the director of psychology at Driftwood Recovery.
“At the beginning of a relationship gaslighting behavior and manipulation is intermittent,” she says. “Someone who engages in gaslighting is, at the beginning, making subtle attempts to get you to question your competence or your memory, but they might alternate that behavior with love bombing. It makes it very confusing.”
There are some phrases, though, that should raise red flags if used early on in a courtship.
1. ‘I was trying to help you.’
If you’re on a date and they make a rude comment, but say it was for your own benefit, this is an early sign of gaslighting.
Kennedy gives this example: You and your partner or potential partner are at a party and they make a negative comment about how much you’ve eaten.
“If they say something hurtful to you like that, later on they may reframe that event as ‘I was trying to help you. I was trying to give you that feedback so that other people wouldn’t perceive that you were eating too much because I care about you and I don’t want other people to make fun of you,'” she says.
This couches the comment in care while also making you feel insecure.
Gaslighting is so awful because it really undermines the relationship we have with ourselves.
Grace Lee
Dating coach
2. ‘That’s not the way I meant it.’
Someone who engages in gaslighting behavior will make you second-guess your emotional response.
Phrases like “That’s not the way I meant it” or “You’re being sensitive” are intended to “make you question, whether you may be overreacting to something that should be taken more lightly when, in reality, their behavior is crossing a boundary or harmful to you,” Kennedy says.
3. ‘Why are you making a big deal out of this?’
Expressing yourself to a gaslighting partner will start to feel unsafe because they consistently downplay any harm they might have caused.
If you tell them that you’re upset, they’ll likely bring up “big picture” issues and say something like, “In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t a big deal.”
“The behavior is intended to control the other person and ultimately make them more dependent on the gaslighter for reassurance or security,” Kennedy says.
If you feel belittled when communicating how a potential partner’s actions affected you, these are early signs that they might not be able to engage in a healthy partnership right now.
‘They need a tool kit’
And while conflict is inevitable, there are more productive ways to resolve problems.
In her new book “Talk: The Science Of Conversation And The Art of Being Ourselves,” Harvard Business School professor Alison Wood Brooks, offers guidance on how to navigate uncomfortable conversations.
“It’s not a sporadic challenge that romantic couples have to deal with,” she says. “They need a tool kit that they have ready for almost every interaction so that they can confront these difficult moments whenever they pop up.”
People who are good finding a solution use these three steps to handle conflict :
- Repeat back what you said. This signals they understand what you’re saying and gives you a chance to correct them.
- Validate your feelings. “They do a really good job affirming the other person and validating their feelings, even if they really, vehemently disagree with them,” Brooks says.
- Tell their side of the story. Once they have completely validated your emotions, they calmly express their own reasoning.
By focusing on how you both can resolve a skirmish, as opposed to convincing you that they did nothing wrong, they can show you that they are equipped to handle any miscommunications that crop up.
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