Harvard psychologist: 9 toxic words people use to gaslight you – and how to respond

Anyone can experience ” gaslighting” or being made to doubt their feelings and perceptions.

It is used as a way to gain control and power in relationships. It can damage your self-esteem and even cause depression or anxiety.

I have seen this myself as a Harvard trained psychologist specializing in trauma and relationship. You may be being gaslighted if someone uses any of these toxic phrases.

Gaslighters try to make your sanity questionable. A common tactic is to make direct remarks that question your rationality or perspective.

How do you respond?

• Please don’t doubt my ability to think clearly.
• “Even though we may not agree, I see the world in this way.”

Gaslighters try to dismiss your worries as unfounded and irrational by accusing them of being dramatic.

How do you respond?

• This is what I am feeling right now, whether or not you agree.
• I would appreciate if you did not judge my feelings. “They are mine, and they’re not open to debate.”

Gaslighters tend to minimize their sarcastic remarks or criticism. You may feel like you are being too sensitive even when you are not.

How do you respond?

• It may have been funny for you, but I was hurt by it.
• It didn’t sound like you were kidding to me, and I would appreciate if you wouldn’t speak to me in that manner.

Gaslighters often blame and criticize you when something does not go according to their plan.

How do you respond?

• I can’t force you to do anything.
• Your behavior is a direct reflection of your own choices and not mine.

If you use a gaslighter to try and set boundaries, the person may feel hurt. They might try making you feel bad by telling you that you don’t really care about them.

How do you respond?

• “My boundaries reflect my values and the way I live my life.”
• I don’t feel like doing that. “I am not asking you to respect my boundary, I’m telling you.”

Gaslighters will justify their rude, and sometimes abusive comments with the claim that they are coming from a loving place. It can be difficult to set healthy boundaries and trust your gut feeling when you are being gaslighted.

How do you respond?

• “I love you, but the way you talk to me is not acceptable.”
• “That’s just not the way I want to receive love.”

Gaslighters may accuse you of harming actions, even when there is clear evidence that their behavior is similar.

How do you respond?

• “I am sure I have contributed to the struggles of our relationship in some way, but you do too.” If we want this to get better, both of us have to be open to changing.
• “I am willing to accept responsibility for my part in this situation, but not for yours.”

Gaslighters will try to make you believe that you are alone by falsely aligning with other people. They want you to believe that you are alone and no one will tolerate you.

How do you respond?

• I would like you to speak for yourself and not other people.
• I hear that You find it difficult to understand me. “Let’s keep our focus on that.”

Gaslighters might try to distract attention from themselves when they are called out. It’s easier to focus on the problem with someone else or something else.

How do you respond?

• Please don’t switch the topic.
• It seems that you are unwilling to admit your role in the problem.

Dr. Dr. Cortney Warren is a PhD and a board certified psychologist. She wrote “Letting go of your ex”. She is a specialist in love additions and breakups. She received her clinical training from Harvard Medical School. She has published more than 75 peer-reviewed articles on the psychology behind relationships. Follow her on twitter @DrCortneyWarren.

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